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Throughout my high school years, I began to change a lot and I was at the stage of getting closer to the church and to God. At that time I was friends with four other girls, who were typically going through the same changes and so we became close friends because we all had one interest (Tasbeha). As the high school years began to approach to an end, we began to become distant. Everyone began to grow up and change in manners. Their main interests were what college to attend and who will be their future husband. I began to love the abbey and most of my breaks would be dedicated to time there. It reached the point that we all ended up drifting and went our own ways. 

When I was in grade 12, I got really close with my Sunday School servant whom at the time was single and really loved serving and spending most of her time in church. She was 20 and I was only 17, so we got really close. However, when she got engaged last year, she began to drift and we never talk anymore. I was hurt that I lost a close friend, but I knew that marriage is part of life, and it will distance people. 
 
Last year, in a different city, I began from scratch in forming friendships. I ended up getting close to two girls. They both love the church and they also joined me twice in going to the abbey the last two summers. One of them recently got engaged. It upset me a lot because I remembered what happened to my servant when she got engaged. She still calls and I see her in the Liturgy, but I know sooner or later she will also begin her own life and move on. 
 
My main friends in my home town are four guys and in my new city are three guys. It now ends up being whenever I am done with exams here, the guys are the ones that call me up and I end up going out with all of them just because we all got so close since our interests revolves around hymns and church, etc. I am starting to feel lonely here and I want to go back home. At least when I am home, I got my family, but here, I really got no company. It is so weird because when I am at the abbey, I am all alone also but my feelings from inside are different. I enjoy it and it feels right. I am always happy there. At least when I am there, my interests are the same interests as the monks and it feels like I belong. Even though I do not have private conversations with them, it is just the idea of standing under one roof doing one thing that we all enjoy makes it special and makes me feel like I belong somewhere. 

Growing up is not much fun when you are growing up around people who are going in the opposite direction than you are. When I look at who I go to whenever I am happy, upset, nervous, etc., it ends up being a church servant and then my parents just because what I have inside can not be just shared with "friends". For everyone else, it is their time for marriage. Did you ever go through what I am experiencing right now? 

Growing pains are sometimes difficult by society's norms, but spiritual maturity is an on-going process. There is a time to stay close to home and familiar surroundings and there is a time to move on. As for me, when I committed my life to the monastery, I presumed that this was my final destination. God had other plans, and I needed to keep an open dialog with Him so that I can obey His desire for me. Thus, the path the Lord chose for me led to a service unexpected to me, but where I can maintain my monastic vows. The monastery remains in my heart while still serving far from its physical location, first in a church in Texas, and then throughout this blessed Diocese. 

Commit your thoughts to your relationship with God, and not necessarily to the Abbey. Ask God to reveal for you the path He desires for you, whether it is to return home or to continue where you are. If you continue to feel lonely and isolated, perhaps God is letting you know that this is not the place for you at this time.

 

When St. Paul had the option to choose St. Mark to accompany him on some travels for the ministry, he refused because he felt St. Mark did not yet develop into the spiritually mature individual who can handle the hardships of the ministry at that time (Acts 13; Acts 15). Later, St. Mark did indeed develop this maturity and accompanied St. Paul on other trips (Colossians 4:10; Philemon 24). St. Mark became a great saint, martyr, apostle, and evangelist, whom every Coptic Christian is proud to call him Egypt's patron saint. He just needed a little more time to learn and to grow.

 

Be patient with yourself. For you, the Abbey is not the solution because it is for men. It is better for you to spend retreats with the St. Mary Sisters at St. Stephen's Retreat Center. If you have prayed and feel that you can longer stay where you are, then begin the process to transfer back home or to a location near home. May the Lord guide your every step.