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My desire was always to grow spiritually. I thought what was hindering me was my confessor father (henceforth referred to by Abouna #1); so I went to Abouna #2. However, in spite of the fact that I learned a lot from him, I have lost simplicity and humbleness. With #1, and because of his style, I grew spiritually without effort. I was joyful and always wanting to seek God and staying blameless. Abouna #2 tends to deal with things rather emotionally. However, I told myself to just stay a period with #2 before going back to #1. I am beginning to question my motives: am I really seeking God and monasticism for their own sake; or was it just the atmosphere my #1 provided that made me do that. Also, #2 is very verbal and talks about people and praises their good works openly. I feel my spiritual life is going down the hill. I could easily go long periods of time without praying the Agpeya at all. I don't fear anymore because I only used to, due to Abouna #1 making me fear. I do not know what to do. I know for sure that going back to #1 will change things. However, do I practice spiritual growth for Abouna's sake or for God's?

What does Your Grace think is the more proper way of dealing with this situation?

In everything we do, we should make sure that we are pleasing God, not ourselves nor Abouna #1 or #2. From what you have written I can conclude that since you left Abouna #1 you are not growing spiritually nor are you getting closer to God. On the contrary, you are not praying as you used to 'I could easily go long periods of time without praying the Agpeya at all. I don't fear anymore because I only used to, due to Abouna #1 making me fear' and you do not feel the need for wisdom you sought when you were with him.

I have to warn you that there is a great difference between knowing God and knowing of God and His teachings. Knowing God is a way of life. It is a personal relationship, a one to One conversation with the Lord that takes place during prayers. If Abouna #1 succeeded in making you pray your daily prayers, even though you feel you were praying out of fear or just for him and the environment he is creating around you; still this is better than not praying and the lack of fear in your life today. David the prophet says, "The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him, and He will show them His covenant" (Ps 25:14). He also says, "The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him...Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord" (Ps 34:7-11).

A Christian's aim should be to grow spiritually, and get closer to the Lord because he loves the Lord with all his heart, his soul and his mind "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment" (Mt 22:37,38). Instead of outward rules of conduct and merit gaining; your aim and motive should be to please the One living personal God who tenderly loves you. St. Paul's one ambition in life is to please the Lord Jesus "Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him" (2 Cor 5:9).

Even if, at the present time, you feel dependant on one priest or the other, consider yourself like a child, in his early stages of development, who relies on his father for nourishment and guidance. Eventually, with determination and effort you will outgrow this dependency on your confessor father; and will be able to build a strong relationship with the Lord based on your love and fear of Him.