Q&A Home > S > Spiritual Warfare

I am a servant and deacon in the Church and also in graduate school. I was tempted and instead of resisting, I quenched the work of the Holy Spirit in me many times until I fulfilled the sin. I do not know why I insisted; it is a weakness of mine and God did give me the grace to overcome, but I refused to accept His help. Immediately afterwards, I regretted it terribly and fell into great despair. I quickly called my father of confession and confessed and repented that very night to him in tears and he gave me the absolution and told me God was not upset. In my heart, I did not believe God really forgave me because I resisted His work during the temptation. I was convinced God would utterly destroy me for this and I slowly lost all hope. My thoughts and feelings all convinced me that God's wrath will consume me very soon. I saw my spiritual advisor, another priest, but even then, I just couldn't believe God would forgive me. On Saturday night, my heart was on fire! I underwent a traumatic psychological breakdown and lost all hope. It was hell. I told myself, "I will go to the Liturgy tomorrow and if God does not take my life from me immediately when I take communion, then there is still hope." I went early to the Liturgy and took communion; so I realized God had not abandoned me. For the next week, I just tried to do everything like normal, go to school, complete my assignments, Church, home, pray, etc., but I was not in my right mind. I had suffered a severe psychological impact from all the despair of the previous 12 days. I knew God accepted my repentance, but my heart didn't. The following Sunday, I could not bear to stand in the Liturgy. My thoughts were just too intense and distracting, but I did take Communion. At night, I saw my spiritual advisor and poured out all my pain to him. He comforted me and gave me great encouragement, a prayer rope, and a cross. He showed me so much love that I needed to feel so badly. I saw him several times over the next week and I got better, but when I am alone, the negative despairing thoughts haunt me. My academic life was almost impacted but my professor gave me a week extension on a major project simply from seeing me one morning in her office. The prayer rope really helps along with Psalm 103 which Abouna taught me, but I am just worried about how long God will keep me in this condition? Will God deliver me? Abouna told me God will heal my mind and heart and I will be even better than before. Will God fully heal me psychologically and emotionally? Can God bring any good out of this situation? Psalm 103 says God will heal all our diseases, remove all our transgressions completely, and He will crown us with loving kindness because His mercy is as high as the heavens, and God pities us as a father pities his children. I wish you would teach me how to understand this trial. Because I brought it upon myself, I feel like God is punishing me, but I know that is not true. Why do I still have despairing thoughts and feelings sometimes during the day? Is this from the devil? How can I overcome guilt? How much does God really love us?

You have taken all the right measures to confront the sins that keep daunting you. The sin you need to confront at the moment is your lack of trust in God. This is actually more serious. Not only Psalm 103, but actually all of the psalms propose hope and trust in God. That is why every psalm ends with joy. Who can go throughout the day without committing numerous sins, whether in thoughts or in deeds? It is in our struggles that God is pleased, so that we should resist sin as much as we can. God will always love you and will be patient with you even when you succumb to your sins. However, if you want to please Him, then you must be willing to struggle through your sins, whatever they may be, and however long it may take. This means being aware that you have erred, living a life of repentance, confessing your sins to your confession father, and partaking of the Holy Eucharist. The more you apply this formula, the less power certain sins will have over you. When you become despondent and panic, you are actually giving the devil more ammunition to war against you. By falling into sin, perhaps the devil may have won a battle; but by trusting in God, He will help you to win the war.