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I try to rise and be a better person and change but nothing happens. Every sermon I heard, I imagine that its words are easy to follow and I expect myself to become a different person, but I end up failing. Every confession I make, I come out of it and try my best to start all over again, but my trials only last for a couple of days. Every sin, I detest, and I promise God that I will stop doing it, but I easily go back and redo it as if I never tasted its bitterness. The sin of lust is not leaving me alone! Every time I fall, I remember the servant's words to get up and pray right after and I commit the sin. It feels great to cry to God, as if my tears are washing my sins. I ask God to forgive me and I try to start my next day as a new start. I don't know why the wars of my past are hitting me hard now. Finals begin soon and I have no time for this. I need to focus and study but the devil is not leaving me alone. I don't know what to do. I feel God is so mad at me. Why am I so bad?

I do not think God is mad at you and I am sure He loves you more than you think because He knows your struggles and your endurance. God is patient and counts the struggle as a victory. It is when you surrender and refuse to acknowledge your sins, even to yourself, that He is saddened. In your message, you reveal your remorse for succumbing to certain sins, lusts, and your past. Perhaps at this time, these sins are stronger than you think you are, and the devil is using these as tools to defeat your spirit that is trying to come closer to God. If you read the story of the life of the penitent turned anchorite, St. Mary of Egypt, you will see that as she maintained her struggles of her past for seventeen years, she was being elevated to sainthood. What then is the difference between a saint and a sinner? The sinner is complacent about his/her sins; but the saint is always struggling against his/her sins, even to the last breath. Be encouraged to take your sins to your confession father and ask him to absolve you. Do this as often as needed, no matter the sin, its intensity, or its repetitiveness.

Here are some words of wisdom from a Desert Father:

One of the elders said: "It is not because evil thoughts come to us that we are condemned; but only because we make use of the evil thoughts. It can happen that from these evil thoughts we suffer shipwreck, but it can also happen that because of them we may be crowned."