Q&A Home > R > Relationships I'm in a dilemma and I can't figure out what the right thing to do is from an ethical stand point. There's an old friend of mine to whom I gave the impression of interest in a long term relationship potentially leading to a marriage commitment. So for several months, we stayed in contact and met often. However, certain circumstances made it impossible for us to be in the same geographical location afterwards and I don't believe in long distance relationships. So I asked that we break up and not stay in touch because that would be too painful to do. The is the second time over a several year period that we tried to get to know each other better but circumstances came in between and did not allow for us to move further ahead. In addition, I also found the way that he sometimes treats others a bit tough and several years ago we verbally hurt each other. Ideally, I would have wanted us to go talk to a counselor together and see whether we can resolve our issues or not. I was hoping that circumstances would allow for us to spend enough time together in the same geographical location until we come to a final decision. However, unfortunately neither condition took place. From an ethical point of view, did I do him wrong? Is asking that we stay apart an injustice that I did to him? Would it be unethical for me to move on to another relationship before I get this one resolved even though the circumstances are out of my hand and even if I want to give it a chance it's beyond my capacity as I don't have much control over the circumstances?
I did start getting attached to someone at my workplace. I don't know if that's ethical or unethical to do as most of my circumstances are out of my hand. I look back and feel guilty thinking I wasted his time and then left him alone and now I am moving on to another relationship. What is the right, just, ethical thing to do in such a situation? From the first part of your description, it does not appear as though you have done anything unethical in terms of your relationship with this man. It was prudent to break off a long distance relationship in which you had already experienced once before with the same man and concluded that it was unfruitful and unproductive for both of you. Knowing that he has the potential to be "tough" is an important revelation from God. He revealed to you some of this man's negative characteristics which may eliminate him from being a possible suitable spouse for you. If you had both still insisted on pursuing marriage, seeking counseling would have been a wise decision to help you both to understand the dynamics of your relationship and to ascertain if indeed you can resolve your concerns and learn new behaviors conducive to a successful Christian marriage.
What is inappropriate is if you were having a relationship of attraction with both men. It is not right to be in one relationship and flirt with someone else. This would have certainly wronged him, the other fellow, and yourself, causing you to fall into sin. In this kind of situation, you place your integrity at stake. When you are ready for a serious relationship for marriage, you should have eyes for only one man. Until then, refrain from being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. It is best to take time between relationships for prayer and spiritual direction. I suggest you follow up with your confession father before you embark on any new relationship.
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